A scatological poem in response to Mr. Swift’s ‘The Lady’s Dressing Room’.

Stephen had taken Louisa back to his flat,
There they had talked and drunk and sat.
But now he had another Intention,
(Which I as a woman won’t dare to mention).
He told her to wait whilst he purchased some wine,
She smiled as he left and said she’d be fine.
But all was not as it seemed, she had told him a Lie,
And when he closes the door, I’ll tell you all why.

This fair Lady not Louisa named, but dear Ophelia,
Who is none other than the Cousin of our sweetest Celia!
Poor Celia had died a lonely maid,
Her Life once Merry had ended Staid.
That bastard Strephon had revealed each vice-
From Dirt, to Lead, to Worm, to Lice!
What the Queen of Love had vowed to keep secret,
Strephon had discovered and had gone and leaked it!
But clever Ophelia had devised a Plan
To redress the balance and expose that Man.

She started her Mission near the Toilet Brown,
And at once her Smile turned to a Frown!
On the rim of the seat lay some chalky white Powder,
Her stomach turned and her shrieks grew Louder.
A Silver Box contained Coke and Pills,
A razor blade and some rolled up Bills.
Filthy Stephen was sniffing from the place where he pooed,
No Woman could do something so Dirty and Lewd!
Worse still, this man must be a Dealer,
Who’d given her Pills in order to feel her!

But oh! Ophelia, must you us tell?
Of that Awful place and that putrid smell?
Manners should prevent me from having my say,
But Strephon marred us all on that fateful day!
Besides, Ophelia is female kin,
So I too will disclose each Viceful Sin.

In the bathroom the Loo was rank with drippings
And the sink was filled with toe-nail clippings!
On the side grimy Tweezers to pluck out each Hair
From nostril, chin and way below there,
To pluck one Brow and make it two,
Then stick them in ears to pull out a Few.
Bottles of lotions and creams and gels,
For acne and lumps and bites and swells.
A metal scraper lies covered in yellow and black,
For squeezing whiteheads from his grease-covered Back.

Next to the Wardrobe to uncover such Clutter!
Her eyes widened and her heart skipped a flutter.
Sweat marks lined each jumper and shirt,
Split sauce and dribble and baked-on dirt.
Trouser pockets were lined with snotty rags,
And T-shirts were dotted with burns from fags.
The smell of smoke and beer make her wheeze,
And she nearly collapsed when she saw the Febreeze!
This Fellow did not even Wash his clothes,
But instead used dirty ones to blow his nose!
Numbers scrawled on paper of girls he could tout-
Was this what Love was all about?

Perhaps I should not tell the rest?
It’s far too Foul, perhaps it’s Best?
But then I think of poor unmarried Celia,
And decide again to back Ophelia.

What was this? She reeled in disgust,
Hygiene should really be a must!
Pants that had stayed for weeks on his bum,
Lay under his bed and covered in cum.
Dear Ophelia wrenched and felt quite Sick
At the thought of his filthy paltry Dick.
Under the pile lay an inflatable Doll,
And a porno entitled Naked Moll,
Smelly socks strewn with dirty white Stuff:
The Poor Lady had really seen enough!
Yet our shocked Ophelia yelled out Thanks,
Oh! Stephen, Stephen Stephen wanks!
This was indeed most extraordinarily Fitting,
How mild in comparison was Celia’s Shitting!
Ophelia looked up to praise the Queen of Love,
Who had watched delighted from above.
Her Survey finished, Ophelia fled
Leaving poor old Stephen to his cum-stained Bed.